Something Out of Nothing

I’ve been struggling with something for the last several weeks that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was feeling that I’ve been waiting on something, barely part of my consciousness. After letting my mind do its thing, I realized a couple of days ago that I’ve been waiting on “what’s next”. My next career move, my next 9-5, my next normal. When I left my last job several people told me that they couldn’t wait to see what I did next. While I appreciated the sentiment, that felt like a lot of pressure — I was already putting a lot of pressure on myself! Sitting with the idea that I’ve been waiting, it finally occurred to me that my IT consulting and web design practice IS my new normal, this IS what’s next. Maybe I won’t land a regular job in my immediate future, maybe I don’t need to. This IS my long-term plan or at least the plan for now. I’ve been focusing on making it work and be the next thing, but I hadn’t let go of the idea that I needed to find what my deeper self expected for me, what I assumed society expected of me.

I spent the day trying to let go of that idea. I am here now and it’s good enough, in fact, it’s better than good. I’m happy. I have several new clients and a few more prospective projects on the back burner. A new 9-5 might make me just as happy, definitely more secure but it also runs the risk of me falling into the same old traps.

I’m working on changing my expectations of myself — I’m aware of them now and I’m trying to let them go. They are a remnant of the past, a remnant of what I think society expects from me. Most everyone I’ve talked to, family and friends, agree that I’m on the right path, they see how much happier I am.

If I had to summarize the mental shift it would be this:

“I am no longer unemployed. I am SELF-employed.”

It’s not a consolation reframe; it’s an accurate description of reality. The identity lag between external circumstance (Two Bit Consulting is real) and internal self-concept (still running on employee firmware) is closing.

I think part of why I have a hard time letting go is fear: fear of failure, fear of losing something I created, fear that it won’t be enough to support us. Fear of success. If this does work, I have to sustain it, I’m responsible for keeping it going. I have to keep the business coming in. The fear of losing Two Bit feels categorically scarier than losing my former job — more personal, more exposed, even more like a referendum on who I am. But working through the actual comparison: I loved my job for twenty years while carrying the background risk of losing it, no job is ever 100% secure, especially in this economy, and it was fine. I had outgrown my previous role in many ways, even if I couldn’t admit it at the time. The risk was always there, it just had an institution absorbing it.

The fear now isn’t bigger. It just feels more exposed because there’s no institution absorbing it. But the underlying condition is the same: do work you care about, carry the risk, do it anyway. And the upside is actually better now. More control, more creativity, more room to grow, more freedom, more alignment between the work and the person doing it. The possibility of success makes the risk worth it — I’m choosing the path that feels right for me now. I am ready to move on and embrace the risks and rewards of forging my own path.

The world is my oyster. Even if I don’t really like shellfish.