stress
The Scarcity of Words
When I was a kid, I used to have the strange belief that we had a limited number of words we could speak in our lifetime; once we ran out, no more talking, no matter how much longer we lived. I know, this sounds like something a parent would say to an overly inquisitive or talkative toddler, but I’ve been told that they never said anything like that to me. I was a weird kid.
I’ve been thinking lately about the last time I was unemployed and searching for my next thing. I had recently had thyroid surgery and the doctor told me that there was a chance they could nick my vocal cords and cause permanent damage. After I went home to recover from the surgery, I wound up getting the hiccups. We called the doctor and he prescribed a surprising remedy; apparently, Thorazine (the anti-psychotic) cures the hiccups instantly. I stopped hiccuping and I was one with the universe for a while. I understood everything; it all made so much sense! I even took notes; they are complete, untranslatable gibberish but I’m sure there is deep meaning in them somewhere.
In the meantime, I did end up losing my voice; I sounded like I had been smoking for a thousand years. The best I could do was a hoarse whisper, which took a lot of effort and wore me out quickly. I had a hard time getting past the phone interview and even those didn’t last long. I felt the need to explain why I sounded like that. I was in my mid-twenties and I sounded like I was well past retirement age.
I finally got my voice back while plummeting 189 feet on an amusement park bungee jump ride. I yelled “Oh F%&K!” as I was falling and my voice suddenly popped back. To this day, if I’ve been talking a lot or have been in a lot of meetings, my voice wears out and the muscles in my throat feel like they’ve had a workout at a gym.
I was somewhat prescient about the finite nature of words as a kid; I just had the time-frame wrong. It’s not a lifetime limit - it’s a daily one. By the end of a long day of meetings, words have a higher cost for me. Maybe that’s not a bad thing; scarcity has a way of making you focus on what and who is really important.
Processing Emotions
Early last week I made a decision as soon as I woke up that I would spend the day embracing all the negative emotions around my current job situation, like giving in to the Dark Side. I spent the day pissed off and miserable. I made those around me miserable; that was mainly my wife - I was getting on her nerves by mid-day. My somewhat conscious logic was to deal with the emotions all at once, get it out of my system and begin the process of moving on. They had been a lingering undercurrent for the past several weeks and I was tired of feeling them. I walked around the house all day saying F this, F them, F that, I even cussed out my dogs if they looked at me funny, which they often do. I felt sad, angry, like a failure, like I had no future, I embraced it all; I was getting angry about being angry.
The next day, I woke up in the best mood. I was super motivated to start the online classes I had signed up for, I started thinking about other career paths that I could create for myself. I sent several emails to my network and chatted with a few people about potential opportunities. It worked! The funny thing is, I’ve felt so much better since that Dark Side day. I’m les stressed, happier than I’ve been in ages, and full of hope for the future. I had become so used to carrying that stress and those negative emotions without dealing with it that it had become almost toxic. The ironic thing is, I posted a new profile picture on my socials and I had a big old smile on my face. I took that photo on the angry day - I must have unconsciously known that I was on the right path. I wasn’t feeling it but after that self-induced miserable day, that picture is a much better representation of me. I AM happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m able to spend more time doing the things I enjoy and my concentration has improved greatly.
Today
Years ago, when we were kids, my brother and I bought my mom a plaque for Mother’s Day that read “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!” We thought it was incredibly clever and meaningful but we really had no idea what it meant at the time; we were kids! That phrase stuck in my head and of course as I got older, I realized that it was meant to be a kind of call to action, a reminder to carpe the heck of of the diem. It’s also pretty cheesy and so appropriate for the time when we bought it (the 70’s).
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I no longer work where I’ve been for the last twenty years. That phrase is very present in my head right now and It feels especially true. I’m excited about the world of possibilities, a little nervous about all the unknowns, ready to have a little time off to disconnect. I’m looking forward to having some time for professional and creative renewal; time to explore interests and hobbies that I haven’t had the time or energy for. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to redefine myself, to figure out who I am without a work identity and who I even want to be. It’s exhilarating and frightening.
I’m also wondering how long it will take for me to let go of all the projects I had been managing or changes I’d been considering, both large and small. I had short and long term plans and they have all been living in my head. Not to mention the constant cybersecurity concerns and day to day issues and worries. It’s a little trickier for me too, because I still have a lot of connections to my former employer, family and friends that still work there. I suspect that It’s going to be hard to purge some of that from my brain, but I know I’ll get there. It was a lot of weight to carry and I’m ready for some time to rest. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
It's been a while
Hello and welcome to my first post in quite some time! It’s been a crazy year to say the least. I can’t believe it’s already been a year that we’ve lived with this pandemic. I honestly feel very lucky. I’ve had some family and friends get COVID-19, but no one I know has died of it, yet. We seem to be nearing the light at the end of the tunnel to some extent. I know more and more people who have received at least one dose of a vaccine. I myself got my first shot a little over a week ago and I get my second at the beginning of April, on April Fool’s in fact. I got mine a little early because at the beginning of all of this, it was determined that I have kidney failure. My nephrologist at KU Med is great and has me on a drug that seems to be slowing down the decline. He doesn’t think I’ll need a transplant for five to ten years. But I will eventually need a new kidney. As many of you know, I’ve dealt with my share of medical issues, so this didn’t surprise me too much. It sucked learning about it at the beginning of a pandemic that put me at a higher risk if I did catch it, but other than that, it’s under control and pretty symptomless.
Again, feel pretty lucky. I’ve had several friends who had much more serious medical issues over the last year or so. I won’t name names, but they are all fighting and working hard to overcome. I admire them for sure. I don’t envy them. I realize that all of this is really just the beginning, it comes with getting older. Maura and I will both turn fifty (50!) at the end March. I remember when I thought thirty was old! I never really thought much past that when I was young. I don’t feel fifty, though I’m not sure I know what fifty’s supposed to feel like. I did hurt my back doing nothing in particular the other day, so maybe that’s what it feels like? Besides the kidney thing and maybe a few extra pounds, I’m pretty healthy. What do you call a dad bod if you’re not a dad?
As I said, it’s been a crazy year. I’m grateful to have a job that allowed me to be flexible, I’m grateful that KCAI is doing okay. Enrollment was down a bit as many students decided to take a gap year due to COVID-19, but it sounds like many of them will be returning next Fall. I’ve never felt busier there than I have for the last year or so with so much remote work happening and other projects not taking a break. It’s been a good year. I took a lot on, but I managed to finish most of it - one of the biggest projects will be completed tomorrow, if all goes well!
I look forward to getting my second shot, Maura getting her and finally being able to get back to something like what we had taken for granted for our entire lives. I’m sure many changes will be more lasting, and maybe that’s a good thing. I will certainly think about many things differently. I think it will take me a while to be comfortable around large crowds, especially indoors. Not that I was ever comfortable, but I was able to tolerate it. I do miss live music. We’ve seen a few live streaming shows - Gorillaz was awesome! - but it’s not the same. I look forward to traveling, but again, I’m going to be a little more aware of the spaces I’m in and who’s around me.
I know that we’re not out of the woods yet, but I do have hope that, as Biden said, family and friends will be able to gather by the Fourth of July to celebrate.