Personal
Processing Emotions
Early last week I made a decision as soon as I woke up that I would spend the day embracing all the negative emotions around my current job situation, like giving in to the Dark Side. I spent the day pissed off and miserable. I made those around me miserable; that was mainly my wife - I was getting on her nerves by mid-day. My somewhat conscious logic was to deal with the emotions all at once, get it out of my system and begin the process of moving on. They had been a lingering undercurrent for the past several weeks and I was tired of feeling them. I walked around the house all day saying F this, F them, F that, I even cussed out my dogs if they looked at me funny, which they often do. I felt sad, angry, like a failure, like I had no future, I embraced it all; I was getting angry about being angry.
The next day, I woke up in the best mood. I was super motivated to start the online classes I had signed up for, I started thinking about other career paths that I could create for myself. I sent several emails to my network and chatted with a few people about potential opportunities. It worked! The funny thing is, I’ve felt so much better since that Dark Side day. I’m les stressed, happier than I’ve been in ages, and full of hope for the future. I had become so used to carrying that stress and those negative emotions without dealing with it that it had become almost toxic. The ironic thing is, I posted a new profile picture on my socials and I had a big old smile on my face. I took that photo on the angry day - I must have unconsciously known that I was on the right path. I wasn’t feeling it but after that self-induced miserable day, that picture is a much better representation of me. I AM happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m able to spend more time doing the things I enjoy and my concentration has improved greatly.
Today
Years ago, when we were kids, my brother and I bought my mom a plaque for Mother’s Day that read “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!” We thought it was incredibly clever and meaningful but we really had no idea what it meant at the time; we were kids! That phrase stuck in my head and of course as I got older, I realized that it was meant to be a kind of call to action, a reminder to carpe the heck of of the diem. It’s also pretty cheesy and so appropriate for the time when we bought it (the 70’s).Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I no longer work where I’ve been for the last twenty years. That phrase is very present in my head right now and It feels especially true. I’m excited about the world of possibilities, a little nervous about all the unknowns, ready to have a little time off to disconnect. I’m looking forward to having some time for professional and creative renewal; time to explore interests and hobbies that I haven’t had the time or energy for. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to redefine myself, to figure out who I am without a work identity and who I even want to be. It’s exhilarating and frightening.
I’m also wondering how long it will take for me to let go of all the projects I had been managing or changes I’d been considering, both large and small. I had short and long term plans and they have all been living in my head. Not to mention the constant cybersecurity concerns and day to day issues and worries. It’s a little trickier for me too, because I still have a lot of connections to my former employer, family and friends that still work there. I suspect that It’s going to be hard to purge some of that from my brain, but I know I’ll get there. It was a lot of weight to carry and I’m ready for some time to rest. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?
I read this quote the other day and added to my ever-growing list of favorite quotes:
If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward.
- Oscar Wilde
I can relate to this so much. I remember when I was growing up, the thought of adulthood, independence, responsibility, all of it was so overwhelming. It is overwhelming sometimes, even at my age now but we learn to cope with it somehow. I chose Philosophy as a major in college because I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I even was. I still can’t say that I’ve figured it all out, even though i’ve been in my current job for almost twenty years. This qute flips the expectation of knowing on it’s head. It makes it okay and even desireable to not know. I’ve always thought of myself as constantly “becoming” me. I am constantly evolving; learning new things, skills, talents and dropping old ineffective ways of doing things. This is a good thing. I have always thought that life may as well be over once we stop growing and learning.
Existentialism in made for TV movies in the 70’s and 80’s
I finally watched the Mysterious Stranger movie that I rediscovered the other day. I don’t know why I was hesitant to see it again; finding it felt like the last piece of a puzzle and I guess I didn’t want to place it and be done. I remember so much of the movie so clearly. Some parts of it were even ideas I thought I had come up with myself, I had forgotten that they were part of the story. I remember watching The Miracle Worker on TV and empathizing so strongly with Helen Keller that I had a bit of an existential crisis. I was eight years old and I had my first glimpse of mortality and human limitations, but also rising above those limitations. The Mysterious Stranger had an existential message as well, but it was more subtle, it didn’t cause the same type of crisis in me anyway; maybe because I’d already confronted that reality a few years earlier.
Mark Twain’s tale has an interesting story itself. He had written three different versions, but never published them. After he died, the person that held Twain’s unpublished manuscripts, Albert Bigelow Paine, combined bits and pieces from all three versions into a book and published it as the story that Twain had intended. In 1963, scholars discovered what Paine had done and that he had heavily edited and added his own writing into the mix. In fact, the movie talks a little bit about this in the opening. The movie is based on the most complete version that Twain has written.
In it, Number 44, New Series 864,962, (also known as Satan, nephew of the fallen angel Satan in some version of the story) comes to an Austrian medieval print shop in the form of a ball of light before manifesting into a human form. He proceeds to befriend an apprentice named August and shares with him the true nature of reality all while causing hijinks at the castle. There’s a manipulative alchemist, a greedy wife, the good-hearted master, an out of shape abbot, and the print shop crew, one of which is played by a young Christoph Waltz!
Twain, through Number 44, talks about the folly of religion, the nature of good and evil and reality itself. He talks about the idea that there are two selves, a dream self and a working self. We have the ability to choose which one to focus on, or to be.
I can see why the movie had such a profound impact on me and why I’ve been fascinated by existentialism for most of my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m sure it’s part of why I choose philosophy as my major in college. I have always spent a lot of time thinking. It can sometimes get me into trouble, but most of the time it serves me well.
If you’re interested, there has been quite a bit written about the stories and what Mark Twain was trying to communicate through them. Here’s an article I plan to spend more time with.
Today is my one year Brainiversary!
One year ago today I went under the knife needle to have superglue injected into my brain to cut off the growth of a cluster of veins that had gotten out of control and ultimately could have killed me had it gone untreated.
Wow, that is a crazy sentence to re-read. It still feels pretty surreal. I’ve described the experience immediately following as how you might feel after a crazy frat party: I had a massive hangover (the migraines) and I had various personal body parts shaved (where they inserted the needles). At least no one drew a moustache on my face in sharpie, but that might have proven difficult considering.
Life has been pretty normal since all of that. I still get some migraines especially with pressure changes. They are under control for the most part, however. None of this would have been possible without the wonderful doctors and staff at KU Medical Center. What they are doing there truly seems like science fiction. The fact that I had brain surgery and it seemed no worse than a crazy frat party is pretty mind-blowing. Obviously, the migraines are worse than a simple hangover, but still.
My friend, the talented tattoo artist Chris Stubbs has designed this amazing sleeve for me partially in honor of my experience with the surgery:
It’s going on my left arm and connecting up to the other tattoo on my shoulder, the Cephaskelamech. Work began on it a few weeks ago and I’ve got another appointment set up in mid April! I can’t wait to see this thing finished!
The Dural Arteriovenous Fistula is Gone!
It’s two days short of six months since I had brain surgery. It was a very busy Summer both at work and at home. We’ve had a lot of fun too, jumping off bridges, going to concerts, glamping with friends in the John Goodman Suite. More on that stuff in the future…
Today I had a follow up angiogram of my brain to see if anything had started to come back after the surgery. The procedure went well. My neurosurgeon came in to the recovery area (I have to lay flat on my back for two hours to make sure I don’t rip anything open) to chat with us and told us that I am cured! There is no evidence of any part of the fistula recurring. He said that the procedure is so new that they don’t really know what to tell patients about long term follow up. Obviously if I start experiencing similar symptoms in the future, I’ll know what to do, but sometimes there simply aren’t any symptoms. He said that he would be comfortable not doing any follow up, but if I wanted to we could do another scan in a year. I’m leaning towards doing another scan, just for peace of mind and it might help them to know what to expect in other cases, but I haven’t decided for sure yet.
I told the neurosurgeon that I couldn’t express how grateful I am and how lucky I feel. It’s simply amazing to me that this kind of procedure is something that exists, and that I live within a couple miles of one of the few doctors that is performing it right now. The doctors, nurses, and staff are some of the best people in the world. They went out of their way to make me feel as comfortable and confident as possible. And Dr. Koji Ebersole is a rock star!
Unfortunately, I am still dealing with the headaches. I was on a drug that was helping, but the side effects are pretty drastic and I am prone to all of them. I’ve spent the last two weeks weaning myself off that drug and I’m hoping to start a new one soon. In the meantime, they have returned in full force. The main side effect of the new drug is that it can make food and drink taste funny, therefore people tend to lose 5-10 pounds - I think I’m okay with that, at least for a while. I’m sure the new drug will work and I’ll be feeling good again in short order, but this last two weeks of getting off the old one has not been fun. I hate to end this post on a bad note, so I’ll say it again:
I’M CURED!
More Waiting
I’m in my sixth week of recovering from the DAVF embolization - sitting around at home doing very little. The few times I’ve gone out, I’ve paid for it later with worse headaches.
I hate to complain, there are times that six weeks of nothing sounds dreamy, but I’m more than ready to get back to real life. As much of an introvert as I am, I miss being around people - I think I’m pretty much fully recharged at this point. I must admit, it took four weeks for me to rally start getting stir crazy. Though I was pretty drugged up for the first three.
As long as I take it easy, the headaches are tolerable. It’s when I try to do much of anything that they get bad. If I can find something to concentrate on, I can tune them out. I’ve been reading a LOT. I lost count of how many books and comics I’ve read over the last few weeks. Also, some TV shows and movies, when I can tolerate the sound. One thing I miss a lot is listening to music. There have been several new releases that I have queued up, but haven’t been able to listen to without pain.
I see a neurologist on Monday, less than a week away now. I’m really hoping that she can help me deal with the pain.
Brain Update
Due to continuing headaches, I was prescribed a second round of steroids. I’m on day three of the second round and I’m still battling some crazy piercing headaches, like needles stabbing through my brain. I’ve been trying to wean myself off of the painkillers, since I was almost out of them, but they just prescribed another round.
The neurosurgeon told me I would be dealing with headaches, but I don’t think it’s typical that they persist this long after the procedure.
I’m really starting to feel weird about not leaving the house in two weeks. I’ve been reading a lot of books and comics, when I’m able to concentrate long enough. I’ve also gotten caught up on Dr. Who. Galifrey Lives!
Don’t tell HR, but I’ve been helping my coworkers a little bit via email. Twitter and Facebook are also helping me not feel totally isolated from the world. I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejoin society soon!
I want to thank Maura and my mom and everyone that’s brought treats by for keeping me from gnawing on table legs; the steroids make me ravenous. I’m sure I’ll have gained about 20lbs by the time I’m feeling better.
Feeling pretty floaty
I am pretty drugged up on painkillers and steroids to help my brain to deal with swelling as it comes to terms with what was done to it, so I may not make much sense. Please forgive me. I just wanted to post a small update.
I spent just over 24 hours in the hospital. I was able to get up and around pretty quickly, so they sent me home before lunch on Friday. The procedure itself took a bit longer than expected, I was in there for about four hours. The neurosurgeon ended inserting tubes into both legs to make sure they got all of the fistula. He told us that he’s 98% sure he got it all. I’ll have a follow up visit with him in a couple of weeks and then another arteriogram in six months to make sure it’s all gone. This really is the best possible news.
The most noticeable thing for me is the pulsing sound that I’ve been hearing for about five years is completely gone. It’s a little hard to get used to it not being there, especially at night.
I basically I feel like I have the worst hangover of all time. I didn’t sleep much at all the night before the surgery and I haven’t really slept much in the last five days, which I’m sure it due in part to the steroids.
Yesterday the neighbor a couple houses down from us decided to have her driveway ripped out by a couple of noisy dudes and a bobcat. Even with earplugs in, I could hear the rumble of the engine, the crashing of the cement into the dump truck, all of the the yelling. I was ready to murder someone. I know it’s not their fault, they have no idea. But jeez, of all days they could have picked.
Scheduled
My procedure has been scheduled for March 27th. I really wish it was going to be sooner; I’d like to get past this particular portion of life. It was the earliest day they had available, however. I’ve been pretty busy at work lately and for once I don’t mind so much. It helps me keep my mind off things. The weekends are not so easy, I have time to sit and worry. On the plus side, I don’t feel quite as guilty sitting around playing computer games all day. They are a great distraction! I played through both Portal games again and started playing Borderlands 2.