Personal
Existentialism in made for TV movies in the 70’s and 80’s
I finally watched the Mysterious Stranger movie that I rediscovered the other day. I don’t know why I was hesitant to see it again; finding it felt like the last piece of a puzzle and I guess I didn’t want to place it and be done. I remember so much of the movie so clearly. Some parts of it were even ideas I thought I had come up with myself, I had forgotten that they were part of the story. I remember watching The Miracle Worker on TV and empathizing so strongly with Helen Keller that I had a bit of an existential crisis. I was eight years old and I had my first glimpse of mortality and human limitations, but also rising above those limitations. The Mysterious Stranger had an existential message as well, but it was more subtle, it didn’t cause the same type of crisis in me anyway; maybe because I’d already confronted that reality a few years earlier.
Mark Twain’s tale has an interesting story itself. He had written three different versions, but never published them. After he died, the person that held Twain’s unpublished manuscripts, Albert Bigelow Paine, combined bits and pieces from all three versions into a book and published it as the story that Twain had intended. In 1963, scholars discovered what Paine had done and that he had heavily edited and added his own writing into the mix. In fact, the movie talks a little bit about this in the opening. The movie is based on the most complete version that Twain has written.
In it, Number 44, New Series 864,962, (also known as Satan, nephew of the fallen angel Satan in some version of the story) comes to an Austrian medieval print shop in the form of a ball of light before manifesting into a human form. He proceeds to befriend an apprentice named August and shares with him the true nature of reality all while causing hijinks at the castle. There’s a manipulative alchemist, a greedy wife, the good-hearted master, an out of shape abbot, and the print shop crew, one of which is played by a young Christoph Waltz!
Twain, through Number 44, talks about the folly of religion, the nature of good and evil and reality itself. He talks about the idea that there are two selves, a dream self and a working self. We have the ability to choose which one to focus on, or to be.
I can see why the movie had such a profound impact on me and why I’ve been fascinated by existentialism for most of my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m sure it’s part of why I choose philosophy as my major in college. I have always spent a lot of time thinking. It can sometimes get me into trouble, but most of the time it serves me well.
If you’re interested, there has been quite a bit written about the stories and what Mark Twain was trying to communicate through them. Here’s an article I plan to spend more time with.
Today is my one year Brainiversary!
One year ago today I went under the knife needle to have superglue injected into my brain to cut off the growth of a cluster of veins that had gotten out of control and ultimately could have killed me had it gone untreated.
Wow, that is a crazy sentence to re-read. It still feels pretty surreal. I’ve described the experience immediately following as how you might feel after a crazy frat party: I had a massive hangover (the migraines) and I had various personal body parts shaved (where they inserted the needles). At least no one drew a moustache on my face in sharpie, but that might have proven difficult considering.
Life has been pretty normal since all of that. I still get some migraines especially with pressure changes. They are under control for the most part, however. None of this would have been possible without the wonderful doctors and staff at KU Medical Center. What they are doing there truly seems like science fiction. The fact that I had brain surgery and it seemed no worse than a crazy frat party is pretty mind-blowing. Obviously, the migraines are worse than a simple hangover, but still.
My friend, the talented tattoo artist Chris Stubbs has designed this amazing sleeve for me partially in honor of my experience with the surgery:
It’s going on my left arm and connecting up to the other tattoo on my shoulder, the Cephaskelamech. Work began on it a few weeks ago and I’ve got another appointment set up in mid April! I can’t wait to see this thing finished!
The Dural Arteriovenous Fistula is Gone!
It’s two days short of six months since I had brain surgery. It was a very busy Summer both at work and at home. We’ve had a lot of fun too, jumping off bridges, going to concerts, glamping with friends in the John Goodman Suite. More on that stuff in the future…
Today I had a follow up angiogram of my brain to see if anything had started to come back after the surgery. The procedure went well. My neurosurgeon came in to the recovery area (I have to lay flat on my back for two hours to make sure I don’t rip anything open) to chat with us and told us that I am cured! There is no evidence of any part of the fistula recurring. He said that the procedure is so new that they don’t really know what to tell patients about long term follow up. Obviously if I start experiencing similar symptoms in the future, I’ll know what to do, but sometimes there simply aren’t any symptoms. He said that he would be comfortable not doing any follow up, but if I wanted to we could do another scan in a year. I’m leaning towards doing another scan, just for peace of mind and it might help them to know what to expect in other cases, but I haven’t decided for sure yet.
I told the neurosurgeon that I couldn’t express how grateful I am and how lucky I feel. It’s simply amazing to me that this kind of procedure is something that exists, and that I live within a couple miles of one of the few doctors that is performing it right now. The doctors, nurses, and staff are some of the best people in the world. They went out of their way to make me feel as comfortable and confident as possible. And Dr. Koji Ebersole is a rock star!
Unfortunately, I am still dealing with the headaches. I was on a drug that was helping, but the side effects are pretty drastic and I am prone to all of them. I’ve spent the last two weeks weaning myself off that drug and I’m hoping to start a new one soon. In the meantime, they have returned in full force. The main side effect of the new drug is that it can make food and drink taste funny, therefore people tend to lose 5-10 pounds - I think I’m okay with that, at least for a while. I’m sure the new drug will work and I’ll be feeling good again in short order, but this last two weeks of getting off the old one has not been fun. I hate to end this post on a bad note, so I’ll say it again:
I’M CURED!
More Waiting
I’m in my sixth week of recovering from the DAVF embolization - sitting around at home doing very little. The few times I’ve gone out, I’ve paid for it later with worse headaches.
I hate to complain, there are times that six weeks of nothing sounds dreamy, but I’m more than ready to get back to real life. As much of an introvert as I am, I miss being around people - I think I’m pretty much fully recharged at this point. I must admit, it took four weeks for me to rally start getting stir crazy. Though I was pretty drugged up for the first three.
As long as I take it easy, the headaches are tolerable. It’s when I try to do much of anything that they get bad. If I can find something to concentrate on, I can tune them out. I’ve been reading a LOT. I lost count of how many books and comics I’ve read over the last few weeks. Also, some TV shows and movies, when I can tolerate the sound. One thing I miss a lot is listening to music. There have been several new releases that I have queued up, but haven’t been able to listen to without pain.
I see a neurologist on Monday, less than a week away now. I’m really hoping that she can help me deal with the pain.
Brain Update
Due to continuing headaches, I was prescribed a second round of steroids. I’m on day three of the second round and I’m still battling some crazy piercing headaches, like needles stabbing through my brain. I’ve been trying to wean myself off of the painkillers, since I was almost out of them, but they just prescribed another round.
The neurosurgeon told me I would be dealing with headaches, but I don’t think it’s typical that they persist this long after the procedure.
I’m really starting to feel weird about not leaving the house in two weeks. I’ve been reading a lot of books and comics, when I’m able to concentrate long enough. I’ve also gotten caught up on Dr. Who. Galifrey Lives!
Don’t tell HR, but I’ve been helping my coworkers a little bit via email. Twitter and Facebook are also helping me not feel totally isolated from the world. I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejoin society soon!
I want to thank Maura and my mom and everyone that’s brought treats by for keeping me from gnawing on table legs; the steroids make me ravenous. I’m sure I’ll have gained about 20lbs by the time I’m feeling better.
Feeling pretty floaty
I am pretty drugged up on painkillers and steroids to help my brain to deal with swelling as it comes to terms with what was done to it, so I may not make much sense. Please forgive me. I just wanted to post a small update.
I spent just over 24 hours in the hospital. I was able to get up and around pretty quickly, so they sent me home before lunch on Friday. The procedure itself took a bit longer than expected, I was in there for about four hours. The neurosurgeon ended inserting tubes into both legs to make sure they got all of the fistula. He told us that he’s 98% sure he got it all. I’ll have a follow up visit with him in a couple of weeks and then another arteriogram in six months to make sure it’s all gone. This really is the best possible news.
The most noticeable thing for me is the pulsing sound that I’ve been hearing for about five years is completely gone. It’s a little hard to get used to it not being there, especially at night.
I basically I feel like I have the worst hangover of all time. I didn’t sleep much at all the night before the surgery and I haven’t really slept much in the last five days, which I’m sure it due in part to the steroids.
Yesterday the neighbor a couple houses down from us decided to have her driveway ripped out by a couple of noisy dudes and a bobcat. Even with earplugs in, I could hear the rumble of the engine, the crashing of the cement into the dump truck, all of the the yelling. I was ready to murder someone. I know it’s not their fault, they have no idea. But jeez, of all days they could have picked.
Scheduled
My procedure has been scheduled for March 27th. I really wish it was going to be sooner; I’d like to get past this particular portion of life. It was the earliest day they had available, however. I’ve been pretty busy at work lately and for once I don’t mind so much. It helps me keep my mind off things. The weekends are not so easy, I have time to sit and worry. On the plus side, I don’t feel quite as guilty sitting around playing computer games all day. They are a great distraction! I played through both Portal games again and started playing Borderlands 2.
Bamboo in my Brain
We just met with the neurosurgeon at KU Med to look at the images they shot during the angiogram. He had told me after the procedure and again today that he was correct in his initial assessment, it is a dural arteriovenous fistula. Today he went into a little more detail about the procedure. Basically, they’ll send a catheter up my leg into the veins in my brain near the fistula and inject glue to seal them off. If they are not able get everywhere they need to they might have to go a different route (the other side of my brain). Thankfully, I’ll be under for this procedure. They really need to be able to seal off all of the fistula otherwise it will slowly come back. I compared it to the four year fight we had with the bamboo in our backyard. If you don’t kill it all, it will keep coming back. That stuff is tenacious!
I will have to stay at the hospital for a day or two afterwards. Yay hospital food…
He did talk about this procedure in terms of it being a cure, but he also mentioned that we’ll have to monitor it to make sure it stays cured. They’ll be imaging during the procedure, he said the results can be seen immediately.
I am very lucky that this was discovered before it caused more damage. If the veins do give out, they can cause brain damage and even death depending on the amount of bleeding. Most people that have this condition don’t find out that they have it until after it starts bleeding out.
It’s serious, scary stuff and I’ve been feeling simultaneously sad and angry about it. Please have patience with me if I seem overly moody. I’ve been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of the situation, but I’m also finding stupid little funny things that help me cope too. I really hope I don’t get an annoying song stuck in my head during the procedure, it might be permanent! I’ve got something on my mind, literally! Yeah yeah, I won’t quit my day job.
I should hear from scheduling soon; the doctor is expecting that I should be able to get in by early March, which is’t even a week away.
Brain Update
The Arteriogram was yesterday. It went well but it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. I now have a hole in my upper leg/groin area that hurt like a @#%(!.
The day was very long. Originally we were supposed to be there at 11:00 to sign in and prep for a 12:00 procedure. It got bumped back several hours due to an emergency. The scheduling nurse came out to talk to us and offered to let us walk around and she’d call when it was close to time for us to come back. We live five minutes from the hospital, so we just went home for a little over an hour. I watched an episode of Dr. Who and caught up on some email.
We got the call and went back to wait some more and then finally went to the prep room where I changed into one of the wonderful backless robes and got all plugged in. We waited some more for the room to become available and then I was finally being wheeled into the operating room. I met some very nice folks who explained everything clearly and even gave me a nice bikini line! She told me a story about an 80 year old gentleman who she had prepped a while ago. He was obviously very nervous and uncomfortable and while she was shaving him, he asked why they had to do both sides. She replied that they might have to switch entry points and besides his wife had entered him into a bikini contest! He laughed and was much more talkative and comfortable after that.
The procedure itself was weird. I was awake with very mild sedation because they wanted to have activity going on in my brain (yeah, I know what your’e thinking now…) They ran a very small tube up into my neck where they would inject dye that would make it’s way into my brain as they were shooting x-rays. Every time they injected the dye, I had to be completely still, with my eyes closed; no breathing, no swallowing, no moving. My neurosurgeon was the one running the procedure and he would repeat that, mantra-like every time. It was almost hypnotic. The dye made my face feel like it was on fire. I could feel it in the back of my throat and at the bottom of my ears but it spread to my cheeks and nose a little. It was kind of like a wasabi rush, very uncomfortable for a few almost unbearable seconds then gone. During a couple of the shots I could see what looked like a million shooting stars. He also said they might make me feel dizzy, but that was not terribly accurate; it was more like the entire world twisted in incomprehensible ways and I was at the center of it.
After the procedure, I had to lie flat for two hours to make sure there was no bleeding or excessing swelling. Never in my life have I had so many different people check my groin so many times. We came home around 7:45 and ordered a pizza. I hadn’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours at that point; I was so hungry! I’m very glad I took a couple of days off from work, I’m feeling okay, but it’s very sore and I’m supposed to be off my feet as much as possible. Walking around is okay, but bending over kills.
I’ll meet with the neurosurgeon next Wednesday to go over the findings and figure out what’s next. He did say after the procedure that he was correct in his initial assessment; it IS a dural arteriovenous fistula. He said it definitely needs to be taken care of soon. I do feel like I’m in very good hands with him. Besides the obvious risks of the fistula, I am really looking forward to not hearing this damn pulsing in my ear any more.
What's going on in my Brain or Somthing on My Mind...
As some of you may know, a little over a year ago I had a mass removed from the crown of my skull. Initially my physician and the general surgeon that he referred me to thought it was just a mass of fatty tissue. It had been there for a couple of years and never really bothered me.
I was on the table and prepped, Maura sitting nearby. The surgeon had the needle with the local anesthetic to my scalp when he realized that his fingers were bouncing with my pulse - there was blood flow in the mass. He quickly pulled the needle away, and explained to Maura and I that he couldn’t proceed with the procedure without a scan and a proper operating room. If he had inserted the needle the mass probably would have started bleeding uncontrollably.
Within a few days I was admitted to the hospital to have the mass removed. The procedure and recovery went well. In my follow up with the surgeon, he told me that what he had removed was a kind of disgusting mass of veins and he told us that it was an arteriovenous malformation (AVM). At about the same time that I had started to notice the lump, I had also noticed that I could hear my pulse very loudly in my ear, much louder in my left ear. With that diagnosis, it made sense that I was hearing it and it should have gone away after removal. The surgeon told me that I would need to talk to my physician if it didn’t go away.
Well, it didn’t go away. It might have faded for a while, or that might have been wishful thinking on my part. But it was definitely back.
About a month ago I talked to my physician about it and he decided to go ahead and do an MRI to see what else might be going on.
After talking to my physician about the results of the scan, it was evident there was something else inside my skull. He referred me to a neurosurgeon, who suggested that I talk to someone at KU Med. This week I finally got in to see a neurosurgeon there.
The good news: I do have a brain, I saw pictures! I almost asked them to email me some of the images, but I didn’t. They were pretty cool looking. It’s really surreal to actually see the inside of your head. I’ll ask them next time I’m there. I know many of you will need to see proof…
So, it turns out it’s not an AVM. The neurosurgeon thinks it’s a dural arteriovenous fistula which is similar to an AVM but not congenital. Blood is traveling through veins that were not designed to handle the pressure. They do the best they can, but they can only take so much so they start dumping the blood out in other places. The thing that I had removed was part of the fistula. It turns out that removing it was probably a bad idea. I’m pretty lucky that it didn’t make things worse inside my skull. If left untreated, it will most likely cause major problems.
I’ll be going in for an angiogram in the next couple of weeks which will provide a very clear 3D image of the area. I’ll be awake for this test, which won’t be fun, but the surgeon assures me that it’s not as bad as it sounds. Plus, I’ll have some sort of drugs to relax me.
After the angiogram, I will most likely have a non-surgical procedure in which they inject glue to fill the blood vessels, through a long tube going into my brain - similar the the angiogram but I’ll be knocked out. It will probably be followed by a focused radiation treatment. The surgeon said that surgery is necessary only 1% of the time in cases like this.
The only symptoms that I’m aware of right now is the pulsing in my left ear. He did several quick tests today to see if anything else was off, and he seemed satisfied that nothing major was wrong yet. As to how it happened, he thinks it could be from severely high blood pressure, which I have dealt with in the past as a result of my thyroid issues.
Small update: The angiogram has been scheduled for next Monday.